


aloha (hello)

by green_tea31



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Study, Chin Ho Kelly is smarter than you, Episode: s10e22 Aloha (Goodbye), Gen, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Minor Steve McGarrett/Catherine Rollins, Post-Canon Fix-It, Pre-Slash, Returning Home
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-16
Updated: 2020-05-16
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:08:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,286
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24217168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/green_tea31/pseuds/green_tea31
Summary: Steve is standing in a shadowed street in a small village somewhere in southern Italy, idly wondering whether or not Danny would like it there, when he suddenly realizes that maybe he hadn’t quite thought this through as much as he should have.Healthy coping mechanism, thy name is not Steve McGarrett.But really, it starts with the tattoo.(Steve left. It takes him a while to realize why this was a mistake.)
Relationships: Chin Ho Kelly & Steve McGarrett, Steve McGarrett & Danny "Danno" Williams
Comments: 19
Kudos: 110





	aloha (hello)

**Author's Note:**

> So, I finally watched the finale and thought meh, can't really expect better from Lenkov these days, can we? I was all set to ignore it and rewatch the first few seasons to make myself feel better. Then I read something Peter Lenkov said somewhere about Steve's mental health and trauma and I got really, really angry. I have mental health problems, I've had mental health problems for most of my life. I could ignore the fact that Steve and the people around him always seemed to just shrug off whatever trauma they went through a few episodes later, but to imply that Steve leaves to deal with his trauma, that he leaves his established routines and fully functioning support system behind, and then frame this decision as hopeful...
> 
> Yeah, I got angry.
> 
> So I added my two cents. I didn't rewatch the episode before writing this, so there might be canonical incongruities, but I've honestly stopped caring at this point. 
> 
> Self-betaed. All mistakes are my own.
> 
> Title should be self-explanatory, and I apologize if someone else has used it before me.

Steve is standing in a shadowed street in a small village somewhere in southern Italy, idly wondering whether or not Danny would like it there, when he suddenly realizes that maybe he hadn’t quite thought this through as much as he should have.

Healthy coping mechanism, thy name is not Steve McGarrett.

But really, it starts with the tattoo.

So – Steve gets a tattoo. He’s in Thailand, somewhere south, close to the Cambodian border. He’s maybe a month into his self-prescribed mental health exile (which, retrospectively speaking, is a bit of an oxymoron anyway, and he ignores the voice in his head that sounds suspiciously like Danny, telling him it’s already in the word Steven – oxy- _moron_ ). Catherine stayed with him for a bit, but for all their history it became clear very quickly that in order to have a future, Steve first needed to deal with his past. Steve loves Catherine, will always love Catherine, but while she’s ready now to look towards the future, Steve is so far from okay, he can’t give her what she’s looking for, not right now.

He could have, once, when grief and trauma didn’t quite have this tight a hold of him yet, but she wasn’t ready then, and it seems they’re always destined to meet at the wrong time, forever looking for a version of the other that only ever existed in their imagination.

Maybe he’s finally ready to learn to live with that – finally ready to let go of the idea of Catherine and learn to appreciate her for the friend she already is.

He has her phone number. He’s looking forward to the day he’ll finally be ready to call it.

His Thai is for shit, never mind the other 60 languages or so spoken around the country, but he’s been lucky with his current accommodations, because nearly everyone speaks enough English, he doesn’t have to embarrass himself by stumbling through his rudimental knowledge of his host's beautiful language too often.

He’s sitting at the beach, surfboard propped up next to him, because you can take the guy out of Hawaii, but you can’t take Hawaii out of the guy, no matter how much of a cliché that is. The weather is beautiful, he has nowhere to be, there are no bad guys to chase, and he hasn’t had a nightmare in three days.

He thinks that maybe he wants another tattoo. It may not be the healthiest decision right now, he knows that; it’s also not exactly the right time to make decisions about adding permanent alterations to his body that he’d only be able to get removed accompanied by copious amounts of pain, and it’s also expensive.

_No, really?_

Shut up Danny.

He goes to ask his host where he could maybe find a tattoo parlour around here. Turns out there are two. One belongs to his host’s cousin and is obviously the far superior one, at least according to the woman who looks more than happy to show Steve where he can find this virtue of artistic integrity and _great_ body art. The other is either a cheating bastard who broke the heart of his host’s other cousin twice removed or he murdered his wife, Steve isn’t quite clear on that, because somewhere in telling the story she’s started to slip into the local language, so most of it is lost on him.

He goes with the cousin. Steve has good experiences with cousins.

The parlour is both like, and utterly unlike most tattoo parlours he’s been in around the world during his illustrious career, but that’s just how these kinds of places are. They’re weird in-between spaces, creepy and liminal, filled with the ghostly remnants of all the people that came before – like libraries and gas stations at three am.

The cousin, introducing himself as Ken, which tells Steve that he’d probably embarrass himself horribly trying to pronounce anything else than the anglicized version of that name, speaks nearly fluent English.

“I learned most of my craft in LA actually,” Ken says with a shrug. “I loved the city, but missed home more. The economy’s still shitty around here and way too dependent on tourism, but it’s home you know.”

Yeah, Steve does indeed know. He has a sudden flash of homesickness so bad, he almost turns around and makes for the nearest airport, but breathes through it, because, well…

He still wants that tattoo.

“So, what’s it going to be?” Ken asks, nodding at a haphazardly put together wall of colourful drawings. Steve steps closer, letting his gaze wander for a moment until…

Yeah, no. Danny would never let him live _that_ down. 

“I want that one,” Steve says, because he’s a glutton for punishment, and probably slightly out of his mind.

_So nothing new then?_

Shut _up,_ Danny.

Ken raises an eyebrow. “Not what I would have expected, but you’re the customer.” He shrugs and takes down the sketch, starting preparations to transfer the motive onto Steve’s skin.

The voice in his head (that sounds exactly like Danny, no matter how much he tries denying it to himself) asks if he really thought this through. Steve tells the voice to shut up and go sit in a corner.

It hurts – a lot.

He’s definitely not twenty anymore.

Ken lets him go with a grin, a tube of ointment with a sickly sweet chemical scent, and the instruction not to go into the water for the next six weeks.

Right, yes. It’s possible this decision was ever so slightly rushed now that he thinks about it.

_Six weeks without a swim? Doesn’t know you at all, does he?_

Again – not the _point_ , Danno.

He can do this. Maybe just not in one of the world’s most beautiful surfing spots. Steve packs up his things, says goodbye to his host, and leaves for Europe. He starts with Germany, until he remembers that German winters last basically half the year, and how is it still this cold in April, goddammit. Steve is not used to this kind of weather anymore. Steve also clearly turned into a delicate snowflake somewhere during the last ten years, and he's never ever telling Danny about this. So he gets on a train and makes his way south, towards Austria, spending a few days in various picturesque villages to look at old castles and art. He almost doesn’t notice crossing the border into Italy until a fellow passenger tells him about it.

The nightmares come back. Steve doesn’t know whether it’s the change in his surroundings or maybe something else, but he stops having any semblance of a regular sleep schedule again. With the sleep deprivation comes paranoia. Nothing too bad – he doesn’t see the enemy behind every unopened door he comes across like he used to for a while, but when he grabs for a gun he doesn’t currently carry for the third time after someone slams a door…

Steve realizes that, maybe, it’s time to stop for a while.

That’s how he ends up in his street, missing Danny like he’d miss a severed limb. It’s crazy – in a very roundabout way. When he’d first made the decision to leave Hawaii behind for a while, he’d taken comfort in the fact that Danny was still back there, keeping the proverbial torch burning. Now that he’s spent nearly two months without his partner, without home and, if he’s really honest with himself, without a purpose…

That comfort has turned kind of sour.

Steve has never done well without a purpose but, even more important, he’s never done well without people. The occasional phone calls home simply can’t replace the simple comfort of being close to the people he loves. Steve initially chose his self-imposed isolation as a way to find himself again, to remember why it was all worth it- every single loss and trauma he’s endured.

But maybe he’s had it backwards all along. Because the things that are worth it, the _people_ who are worth it – well, they’re all back in Hawaii aren’t they? And Steve is standing alone in a more or less abandoned street in a beautiful country halfway around the world, wishing he could share the experience with the partner he’s left behind.

And he has a pineapple tattoo on his hip because of all the designs to choose from, he’d thought that that one would annoy Danny the most. If that’s not a clue that he should maybe get his ass back to Hawaii, he doesn’t know what is.

Still – Steve’s stubborn, he knows himself, and he’s not quite ready to admit to himself yet that leaving may have been the wrong way to tackle his many, many issues. 

So he goes to Chin, obviously, because Chin is pretty much the only one in their little ohana who’s ever really had it together. Danny and Lou might pretend to be responsible adults, but they’ve been running around with him for way too long by now to fool anyone anymore. Steve wonders what it says about him that he lets them.

He makes his way to San Francisco.

Chin takes one look at him, shakes his head, and tells him he’s an idiot in that long suffering tone of his that means he’s happy to see Steve, but _why_. 

He’s ushered into the house. Chin takes him up to a guest room, and Steve spends the next sixteen hours asleep. He doesn’t mean to but, for the first time since leaving he feels safe again – safe enough to let down his guard to have actual, uninterrupted restful sleep.

Chin greets him with a coffee when he comes down into the kitchen. He arrived late in the evening and it’s almost noon now, but the coffee smells heavenly, and Chin is looking at him with that knowing grin of his that Steve had no idea he missed this much until now.

“I took the day off. Abby is at work and Sara is at school. So – what do you want to do today?”

Steve chucks down half the liquid in one go and considers the question. He’s been to San Francisco once or twice, but he’s never really taken the time to take in the sights. Which he tells Chin whose eyes light up with anticipation. He spends the day getting dragged around the city and it’s glorious. Chin really seems to have settled, he knows every nook and corner worth seeing. Steve hasn’t had this much fun since – well, since the last time he’s been with people who know him well. Since he left Hawaii really. The day ends with dinner, catching up with Abby and Sara as well – the little family Chin has managed to gather here, so far from home.

But maybe this is Chin’s home now. The thought makes something uncomfortable clench in Steve’s chest, because he’d always though that Chin’s home is, and would always be Hawaii. If Chin can find a new home then maybe so could Danny – once he finally gets tired of Steve’s inability to let him in.

He knows that’s not a rational thought, but he hasn’t exactly been in a rational state of mind for…years probably.

“You look like you’re pretty far away right now,” Chin says. They’re alone, Abby and Sara already in bed, idly nursing the rest of their respective beers. It’s a warm evening, illuminated by the remnants of the candles Abby had brought out onto the patio – and that word sounds weird in Steve’s head.

He misses Hawaii.

“You know,” Chin continues. “When Danny called me to tell me about you leaving I couldn’t quite get my head around it, but I guess the last few years have really done a number on you, haven’t they?”

It’s far more callous than he’d have expected, coming from Chin, but when Steve looks at him there’s a challenge in the other man’s eyes.

“Never thought you’d take the coward’s way out.”

The statement is cruel, delivered with pinpoint accuracy. Steve feels his temper rise in response, but then Chin’s eyes soften.

“I’m sorry. That was uncalled for, but I wanted to see if the Steve McGarrett I remember is still in there somewhere.”

Steve frowns. “What are you-“

“The last few years can’t have been easy, Steve, and sometimes I wish I’d have been there to help you – to help all of you through it, but…” He shrugs, but there’s a wealth of conflicted emotions on his face.

“But your home is here now.”

Chin raises an eyebrow and looks at him like he’s an idiot. Steve hasn’t missed that look, except in all the ways he has.

“My home will always be Hawaii, Steve. Abby and I are waiting until Sara finishes school right now, but the endgame – that’s always been Hawaii.”

Something that’s been tightly wound inside Steve’s chest for years finally eases.

“You need to start letting people help you, Steve.”

And there it is. The moment he’s been dreading (waiting for), because that’s the thing he’s been dancing around all this time hasn’t he? The reason he hasn’t actually gone back to Hawaii yet, despite really, really wanting to.

“I can’t do that to them, Chin. I can’t do that to…”

_Danny_.

He doesn’t say it, but they both hear it anyway, because it always comes back to Danny doesn’t it?

Chin looks at him and shakes his head. “Why not?”

“Chin-“

“Look Steve. You’re incredibly good at taking care of people. I don’t think I could have made it through the aftermath of Malia’s death without you.” Steve wants to tell him that he’s wrong, that Chin is strong enough, he would have made it eventually, but the other man doesn’t let him say anything, just keeps talking.

“But you have this unfortunate tendency to make decisions for people without ever asking their opinion. You want protect Danny, alright, but have you ever actually asked him if he _wants_ to be protected?”

Steve breathes deeply, counts his breaths. This is getting way too close to the heart of it, really. But then again, that’s why he went to Chin, isn’t it? Because Chin Ho Kelly has never been afraid to tell the hard truths, no matter how much they hurt.

“I can’t do this to him,” Steve tries, but Chin shakes his head again.

“Do what? Sit with you in a diner at three am after you wake from a nightmare? Take care of the team while you, for once, concentrate on getting _better_. Help you through all that grief and trauma piling up after the last few years?”

And yeah. It’s true, isn’t it? Steve was raised with the belief that he has to be strong, that as the man of the house he can't show weakness to anyone. Neither his dad nor Joe had been particularly expressive with their emotions, and they’d been the only true role models he’d had growing up. Danny had been different, once. Early in their partnership, he’d needled Steve at every opportunity about pretty much anything. If Steve looks back on it now, he can see that much of that behaviour had been out of concern _for_ Steve, not because he couldn’t stand to not be in the loop. Danny’s behaviour had lessened over the years, probably tired of running into the impenetrable wall that was Steve McGarrett’s stubbornness over and over again.

Steve wonders if it’s too late to let him in now. 

“Chin-“

“I’m not saying the last few months haven’t done you some good, Steve. You’re looking a little less hunted than you did during our last video call, but you got an embarrassing tattoo because it reminded you of Danny and then proceeded to have arguments with him in your head all through your trip through Europe. I’m saying maybe it’s time to go home.”

Steve knows that, he knows all of that, but the thought of going back, accepting help, making himself _vulnerable_ like that – even to Danny.

It’s enough to make him want to hyperventilate. Thankfully, he has better control than that.

“Hey – _breathe_ Steve.” Except – maybe he hasn’t. Chin’s hand is on his arm, touching Steve carefully because you don’t startle the emotionally traumatized SEAL, _ever_. 

Steve tips forward and rests his head on Chin’s shoulder. It’s a gesture he would have never allowed himself even a year ago, but he’s got to start somewhere, and if he can’t trust Chin, he may as well give up now.

Danny is a different matter, entirely. It’s never been about trust with Danny. He trusts Danny with everything he has, everything he is – always will.

“You ever considered giving up 5-0?” Chin asks suddenly.

“What are you-“

“I mean – you want to go back to Hawaii, but need me to give you the proverbial kick to go the rest of the way.” Steve blinks, but doesn’t contradict him. On closer inspection, that’s exactly why he’s come to Chin in the first place. Clearly the man is smarter than the rest of them combined, always has been, really.

“But there’s a part of you that dreads it I think,” Chin continues. He squeezes Steve’s arm before letting go of him and picking up his bottle, fingers playing with the label. “You’ve always taken every bit of responsibility for the task force onto your shoulders to the point where Danny had to literally pry every little bit out of your hands over the years to make your job a little bit easier.” He grins and looks up at Steve. “Remember how he’d sneak notes about police procedure into your pockets in the beginning?”

Steve chuckles, because he does. He’d been woefully unprepared for working within the confinements of domestic law back then. It’s one of the reasons why he’d insisted Junior finish the academy before getting a spot on the team. Steve simply couldn’t magically produce another Danny in order to turn the kid into a cop. Tani, for all her similarities to Steve’s partner, is definitely the more reckless of those two and can’t always be relied upon to follow procedure when it counts.

“You can go back to Hawaii without going back to 5-0, you know?” Chin says gently, and every thought process in Steve’s head stops.

Because he honestly hasn’t actually considered that. The task force has become so tightly entwined with the island of his birth in his head, they might as well be synonymous now. But Chin has a point.

Chin has a point.

“Go home Steve - and do me a favour?”

Steve looks at Chin, his voice rough when he answers. “Yeah – whatever you want, man.”

“Careful there. I might ask for your house once Abby and I are ready to return to Hawaii,” Chin says, teasingly. Right now, Steve might actually give it to him.

Chin’s eyes turn serious. “Get yourself a therapist. You’re right when you think that Danny and the team can’t be your only support to get through this, but they don’t need to be.”

Steve closes his eyes and tries not to cry, then reminds himself that he’s trying to do _better_ and lets the tears fall.

He’s got to start somewhere after all.

…

The sand is warm under his bare feet when he steps out of the house. A gentle breeze carries the scent of hibiscus, and Steve finally feels like he can breathe again. He hasn’t told anyone that he’s coming, but he knows where to find Danny anyway, his partner’s silhouette a stark contrast against the background of a Hawaiian sunset.

Steve takes a deep breath and gathers every bit of courage he has left.

“Hey Danno.”

Danny turns around. 


End file.
